My Brother

He was my best friend, my savior, and my partner in crime, and I had all of the respect for him that a little sister could have. I asked him once how if he would teach me how to make people laugh. He had a way with his wit, and I knew I could never match that. I followed him everywhere he went. I did everything he did; I even wore his clothes. When dad encouraged me to be in choir I chose band, that’s what Greg would have done. I wanted to be his best friend, I wanted to help him build his tree-forts, and go on his paper route. Even if it was five in the morning. I had to have everything he had. I even bought the same LA Gear shoes as his, in the little boys department.
One winter we had four days off of school. In the field behind our house, we decided to go sledding. We were having so much fun, just the two of us, none of our other friends. I realized that he was my best friend that day; the closest person to me in the whole world, right down to our DNA I never wanted that weekend to end. I remember being so sad knowing that it would end, and everything would go back to normal. I would have my friends and he would have his friends and we wouldn’t have all day to spend just the two of us.
It happened a lot that we got in trouble together. We’d get sent to our rooms which were right across from each other. It was always a good time for a game of catch. He had a way of cheering me up and making things fun.
One summer it seemed like every friend I had made in the whole world had gone insane. Taking themselves down dark and scary paths that I was not willing to follow. So I chose to go it alone. Greg started inviting me along with him wherever he was going; to get his oil changed, grab some lunch, even on his dates. I can’t decide if he knew it then or not, but it meant everything in the world to me. Just to have one true friend was what made the difference between who I am and where I could have ended up. But that was just like him to save me and never be embarrassed to include me. He defended me to all of his friends and any bully at school. He even protected me from my nightmares by letting me sleep in his bed.
My wonderful brother will always be all of the things he was to me growing up. But it’s all I can do to reminisce because he isn’t just right across the hall anymore. Nothing can bring these things back, but nothing can take them away. My Brother; I miss him when he is away.

Blog a dog a log

I have lost the ability to sleep. As you can clearly see by the time I am posting all of this crap.
Why is it that my mind is so full of amazingness right as I am about to fall asleep? I have all of these grand plans and ideas and without fail I forget them all in the morning.
I haven't written on this blog in about a century. I actually forgot I even had one. Remembering that I did is what got me out of bed. I had a haunting suspicion that there may be incriminating information on it that at some point I thought wise to share with the world.
I have to be honest, I don't even know why I am talking to you right now. This whole blog thing is a bad idea. I mean, I work really hard to keep all of my crazy thoughts to myself all day. A thing like this gives me a place to unleash them. How horrible. Everyone is going to know how NUTS I am. ;)
Maybe my grand ideas aren't really all that amazing. Maybe they just seem amazing at three in the morning. I was thinking about how almost every little kid makes a "no boys allowed" club when they are young. And what a great name that would be for a dance club. Because you know so many guys would go thinking tons of girls were hanging out there. Unless everyone thought it was a club for lesbians. If that were the case then the whole place would be filled with guys.
I was also thinking about how much I hate dumb girls like Brooke Hogan. It is pretty girls like her who give the rest of us such a bad name. She thinks women shouldn't be able to vote. I think she shouldn't be able to talk. That's what you get for thinking.
Then again, I know some dumb girls that I really like. I guess it's not their fault, they just don't know any better. What if I am a dumb girl? My head hurts now.
This blog so doesn't even explain who I am at all. I mean, these poems I have written from like ancient times. . . I love them and all, but they seem very dark. I swear I am not one of those people who go around consumed by my emotions. Quite opposite however, I have to think to know what I'm feeling. I actually can't take anything very seriously at all. I think almost everything is funny. If the poems or stories seem sad, you may just not understand what they are about.
Then again, I do have to admit. . . I am very in love with my existence. I feel grateful almost all of the time just by merely being alive. And that is usually when I write. It is my attempt at capturing the overwhelming joy I feel, even in my sorrow.
See? There I go again, making something light-hearted feel so serious. Eh, what are you gonna do?

Time

You don’t realize that time is passing you by until one day something that seems so close and familiar is suddenly passing you by or is lost completely.

About a year ago I was invited to go skydiving with a friend of mine. My first thought was, “Hell no, I don’t want to go skydiving! That sounds terrifying.” But then I started thinking about it. After a few days I realized, “I need to throw myself out of an airplane.” When my dad got home that evening I invited him into the office where I had found the song that played on his skydiving video from ten years before.

As ‘free fallin’ played in the background, I said, “Dad, I am going skydiving tomorrow.” His reaction was not what I expected at all. He was upset and rigid in his decision that I would NOT be going skydiving the next day. It turned into a huge fight. I yelled like a lunatic, something I am ashamed to admit, but in doing so I realized why I wanted to jump out of an airplane so badly. I didn’t even know what I was feeling deep down inside until the words had come out of my mouth. “I feel like I live in a prison here. I can’t breathe, I’m suffocating.”

To be fair to my parents, they had by no means created an insufferable environment. I was allowed extreme freedom along with love and support for the majority of my wildest dreams! However, the need to free myself or find myself, all on my own, whether that meant jumping out of an airplane or moving to another state was perfectly apparent now.

I have been gone for almost six months. I moved to live closer to my sister and get away from everything and everyone that was all too familiar to me. It worked too. I feel that I did set myself free. And in the process learned about who I am and grew into myself.

I move home in a week. It’s all over now. I can’t believe it happened so fast. Now I am leaving my new friends and my sister behind. But it isn’t just that these last six months have come and gone like night and day. I turn on the TV and all of my favorite shows growing up are old. The clothes they wear are hilariously out of style, some of the slang they use is funny and sadly, some of the magic that existed in the heartfelt stories seems lost in families today. All of the children in those shows have grown to be adults.

I’m an adult.

I fought with my sister today. Just putting that in writing puts a sting in my eyes and an ache in my throat. She said she wasn’t going to my cousins wedding. When I got upset she became defensive. She said that she is, “tired of bearing the “sin” of moving away from home.” The truth is, no one blames her for breaking up the family when she moved. Nothing could ever come between us. We are blood. We have always said that and it’s still true. No matter what happens or how far apart we are, nothing can change our blood.

The fact is, she was right and I was wrong.

I am upset because I can’t stop a moving train. I can’t make life slow down and our family from growing up and growing apart. We aren’t all ten years old anymore camping in the Tetons. We have our own lives and responsibilities. And all of the tears in my body won’t change time.

If you offered me a time machine and said, “Go back. Choose a day from your childhood and go there, live it again, minute by minute.” I wouldn’t go. Does that seem contradictory? Yes. That is what is so insane about time. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to be there now. It’s just sad to see it end.

In life there is more death than that of a human body. We mourn the loss of companions, but what about the losses we never talk about? What about the day you realized playing with dolls or trucks was stupid. What about the day you stopped believing in pretend? What about the first day of Kindergarten or the last day of staying at home with mom? What about the last night in your parent’s house? Or the day that you move? What about the day that you realize that your sister isn’t just your big sister anymore, but a woman with a career, husband and life of her own?

Sometimes when I think about my future I imagine me in a white sports car, a nice flat in the city, a closet full of fabulous shoes and a great career. And that seems alright for me. That puts a smile on my face. But when I look into the past at the things that put a smile on my face, I think of knocking on the door of the back deck of my old house covered in sand from head to toe, sand matted into the dreads that were once my hair, the sandbox completely remodeled with a castle and a moat and my mom spraying me off with the hose before I could even imagine coming in. I think about wrapping myself around my dad’s leg and sitting on his foot while he walked around the house or hiding behind the door of the garage when he got home from work to jump out and scare him. I think about getting in my brother’s bed when I had a nightmare. I think about my sister playing the piano or waking up to her famous orange smoothie. I think about all of us in Hawaii together on the beach. Or the time they all came to California to see me get my black belt. They all came, not just one parent, the whole family. And they were all so kind and supportive.

There is no man made material possession that can replace your family.

There is simply nothing more valuable than that love.

And if there is one thing time can’t change, it’s love.